i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
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