You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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