watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
