If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
