You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He better not be in your backpack
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
