I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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