Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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