i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
