I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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