apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
