I will die if light touches me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
FUCK WHALES
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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