made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
