I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
