Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
