when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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