i would punch a child for taco bell
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
