I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
