Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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