she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
