mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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