I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
