I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I won the penis lottery.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
