Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
