Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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