Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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