Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
