i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
