he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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