Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
