I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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