Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
