i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
