If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Randomize
