he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
