Already got asked if we're dating
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize