Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
