By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
wow bdsm is so cute
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
