That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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