You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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