there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
