One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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