I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
