already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
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