recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
