he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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