I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
