Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
