His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
