He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
