My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
